High of you

Coming down from the high of you makes double-vision
I didn’t even get to say good bye as if that even matters
Would I my would I have liked to misplace your memory
Undo you spell. Spit on the mirage. And dance naked in
Your hell one more time but all things come to an end
Albeit good or bad and this is the habit I’m breaking in half for
It is so amazing to watch your psyche transform over passion.
I think I’m pretty messed up about it really. LOL.


People always say “when you look for IT you find IT… “
But how is that better than not looking when
IT inevitably is still there you idiots?!

doll-like

Ineffable

Dear diary,

He has told me the realest fuckin fairytale I have ever heard.
He kissed me toes to shoulder
He shows it,
He’s a barbwire maze
He’s guarded.

Baby steps, and I do mean babie steps.
only thing is I ain’t got no wings when he leaves to come after him
the only thing is I may be missing some dreams when he leaves when I realize the fact that
I can’t help it impractical fucks improbable and randomly ends up unlikely and I don’t like naïve
but the idea is like a Grande Chai tea with soy milk, a stuffed teddy bear, and a kiss good bye
and that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever known next to the kiss on the collarbone in Lauryn’s song.

All of which is off limits:

1. Day dreaming
2. Ballroom dancing
3. Carriage drives
4. Glass slippers
5. Carousel rides

he’s crazy every second it matters.
he gives me no emergency exit but ecstasy
galactic orgasms with rapid take offs

And these ineffable nights revolve ineffable days
Only to wake and watch him LIE to my face with no conscience or care
When I never expected him to jump ship from whatever ship he was on
I just expected him to let me know if and when he felt like he might get there.

People that tell half truths are outrageous. This pisses me off like crazy.
Like some psychotic mirage of extraordinarily direct diversion
That I become bambi
Here come headlights
Damnit.

And now you have even fewer chances to fuck up before I cut dat ass off
Doe-eyed and louder with this supposed honesty
Stop being so trusting lalanii
But don’t don’t don’t don’t you stop being lalanii

Because then the reality is irreparable to where moreover moreunder- either or
Explosive jack hammering with the most comfortable (e)motions
Might calm the notion that all men aren’t just naturally dastardly asswholes
And the anxiety of such imminencies wanted to trust so bad I swallow a sour half-smile

Again not believing that people are who they show you they are
And my heart having shitted on itself many times erstwhile thus the backflow
Of you disproving that trust is built on reputation and repetition not sporadic inconsistent things
And you don’t follow suit for (n)either-or

For this person I want to wrap my arms and form conclusions around
Is sketchy because he’s the bad guy he imagines I’ve got hanging around

But this was all just pure pretend and he has told me the realest fairytale I ever heard.

It’s ineffable. He lied.

frills.

So- couldn't i so rock these?

Whatchoo Thinks? I'm pretty sure I could get away with it.

Laughing

(In memory of mama “Randi Pants”)

When I wasn’t ready to say good bye
Cancer stopped by and took your life.

And just before you fell asleep I dreamt
You were laughing and laughing and laughing,

Your laughter’s like, the prettiest superfluity
Rightful and promising the sweetest surprises

So when the tears choke me to silence
And missing you rocks me into the night air

I close my eyes and remember how your hair smells
And how you could talk dandelions into kissing tiny butterflies in a whisper

-without a please

And these things I think force me to my knees drowning of that missing
Or thoughts of spoiling you with peach lilac kisses

Imagining I could jumpskip the stars to you
Just to give you the update on ME in an acoustic and whimsical way

…That things still aren’t going ok without you no matter what the angels say
And you are more beautiful than sunsets like epic flowers unveiling their flair

Showing off un-purposely like as if some miracle put you there
Staring at me in your own loving way, laughing, laughing, and laughing

Craving for moments that mattered … on the days you were here
And don’t get me wrong I know you had no problem floating

You’re the classiest and sassiest even happier than the sun gave us shine and
Mama you have painted an inscription on my heart and this is my deposition

YOU ARE

The easiest person to love
The hardest person to forget

And every time I know I’m wrong I picture you in this illustrious heaven
(I’m absolutely sure your toenails are painted and you’re looking at me in the plethora of perfect protest)

Scolding but cautious not to anger or hurt feelings gentle with a chance of disappointment
Sprinkled with tender loving careful… whatever I wouldn’t give to spin around in your arms

Has no price, debt, or chance I wouldn’t pay owe or take
And- for the record… I hate cancer and I just think it was just unreasonable
But I guess that would all depend on who I tell my reasons to
And I just want you to know that before I sleep I think of your laughter, it’s laughing; I laugh too.

Goodnight Sweetheart. I LOVE YOU.

Lalanii

Julian after a hard day of work

The "professional" dancer... got sleepy

Now you got my sunlight shy of herself

Now you got my sunlight shy of herself.
You are making you are taking
The love out of my making
Taking breath taking
You gots my leg all shaking
You gots me saying wait wait
Then my wait caves in.

You kissed me and I remembered I forgot how to kiss
You looked dead at me as validation.
You kissiepied between my legs
(-- I realized I couldn’t keep secrets more or less)
Blackberry merlot’s the reason
Or maybe yellowtail’s the devil in heaven
And I died with a ring around my neck
Moaning sweet yeses….

That was to be continued…

… and o boi was it…
…On the floor rug making luv luv like riding a feathercloud alongside babybutterflies.
Rocking the boat over. Knocking the doubt out. Paying a debt to myself yes!
But then again disregarding myself altogether.
And I don’t want you to make promises.
I don’t want you to promise me shit.
I’ve always been far more calculated than this.
Then your lips kissed away all my fears for a second and then
Your penis seemed to give off solar energy
So as though I’m like hoping for things you forewarned you can’t tell me

You told me I’m cumming… he was cumming… baby I’m cumming…
I just held tight on and whispered back right that
I’m not worried about you COMING I’m worried about you going.
And I’m terrified about when and if you’re coming back.

Because I don’t wanna be your paper clip
And I don’t wanna be your push pin either
… but if I could be a folder… if… I could just be heavy weight on your paper? If

If was a fifth I’d be one drunk bitch going apeshit in the sky Tuesday morning
Asking you if I was dreaming when I woke up and tripped over then the wine glass fell over

O honey “like” just doesn’t justify this.
You got me all outta character; happy now?

You got me to misplace my standards and make wow
When I know I know I know better you know??

Just wanted that feeling that feeling that loud freefall
Yearning churning started on my gentle tummy kissiepies again between my legs and thighs
Feeling that I was cumming… he said baby are you cumming… are you cumming…
I was … wait for it… unable to move… so I just said sweet jesus…

Tapatío!

and, and, and, all I could think was “?! Yeo?!”… (wtf. I know right?)

You said ok. It’s ok. And you held my hand and for an hour
You held me until I fell asleep like a pretty flower
Now I’m walking on pillowpancakes this morning.

Mad I lost my self possession for nonconformity and inventiveness
You gots me saying wait wait
Then my wait caves in.

Foolish because I deserve what I want and I’m trying not to want
Not to wonder where you’ll be when… whenever…
Not really wishing I knew you better but
I know I know I know better you know?

So I’m not asking for forever; but I’m not asking for just last night?
and I’m not asking for forever; Just don’t be an asswhole alright?

So when you asked if it’s a good or a bad.
And I couldn’t answer back; I could just give you the only word I had

.wonderful.

.wonderful.

.wonderful.

I know so.
I waited by the phone.

you won't believe who this is dedicated to

Requesting status s.o.s

Monday can’t recover from Sunday or Saturday rather
The only thing worse than embarrassment is hurt feelings;
You give me both in a bowl of soup and say feel better
I really don’t care enough to share
But I’d love to listen to you on display again
If I could laugh you off the block I would
But I wouldn’t tell you in as much sarcasm as
mean-ness and one sided REAL-ationship as this is
Well you see I hadn’t realized how important you’d become
So now- tough luck I better dumb down my expectation
of always going to be there forever
Erase what I know
Forget what I saw
And notice that
You’ve been how you are for a very long time
And I just didn’t want to understand how much people truly change.